The boys and I had a rough night.
I hate writing blogs that sound like I'm complaining all the time. Things will get better, I will write a positive blog soon, I'm sure...
The boys cried for about 20 minutes before they both finally went to sleep last night. I fell asleep on the couch and got up around 11 and moved to the bedroom. I was coughing, but I was able to get back to sleep pretty quickly.
I woke up at 2 am, coughing that dry hacking unproductive cough that makes your chest ache. I couldn't stop. I drank water, I sucked on cough drops, but I just kept coughing. At 3:23, the tickle in my throat was finally gone, and I foolishly thought to myself "I'm so glad the boys are asleep."
Nick woke up almost immediately. I let him cry for 5 minutes. Then Nate woke up.
They cried for 15 minutes straight. I took a video so everyone could hear, but it's too depressing for me to post. I honestly was afraid they would wake up the neighbors; they were that loud. I debated going up and getting them, but I knew if I did, I would have Nick trying to lie directly on top of me while Nate nursed non-stop for the next 4 hours. I would get no sleep. I wasn't getting any sleep anyway, coughing the way I was, but at least I was by myself. I knew I couldn't go up and try to calm them down because all they wanted was for me to pick them up.
They cried off and on like that for 30 minutes. By 4 am, I had decided to just go get Nick, but when I got to the door, I realized it was Nate crying. I couldn't do it. I closed my door but left it open a crack so I could hear when they woke up later in the morning. Then I realized if I was closing the door so I couldn't hear them crying, I probably wasn't going to hear them crying and waking me up later either. So I set my alarm for 7 am, sat straight up in bed with 3 pillows behind me, and tried to focus on going to sleep without coughing. I think the last time I saw on the clock was 4:14. I'd been up for over 2 hours.
My alarm did go off, but I just kept hitting snooze. I finally got up at 7:50. Neither of the boys were awake. I was able to get us all up and dressed and to the school mostly on time. I knew we didn't have time to eat, but I felt really guilty when the teacher asked Nick what he had for breakfast. Nick threw his usual tantrum on the way in, refused to put down the toys he brought from home, then screamed and cried when I took them away. The teachers both looked like they were not looking forward to the rest of the day. I snuck out while one of the teachers was holding Nick and looking out the window. I didn't even hug or kiss him goodbye.
All the way home, I ranted in my head. I was going to call Ryan and tell him to get his ass home. If he fought me, I was going to tell him I was bringing the kids there. No, if I did that, I might not get them back. If he said no, I was going to tell him he was abandoning his children and not to bother coming home at all. If he was coming home, I would not allow him to leave the state with my kids so no coming back and grabbing them then taking them to his mom's. (I did some research. NC has no law against parents taking kids out of state without the other's permission...) I went over and over the options in my head. Then I got home and calmed myself. I am not in control here. God is in control over what happens next. I need to stop trying to take control and just be patient. So, as much as this is killing the little control-freak in me, I'm not calling Ryan. I'm not texting him. I'm not writing him. I am going to read the book and follow the next dare.
Today's dare: "Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."
This one might be a little difficult. We only have $30 left in the bank until Ryan gets paid on Thursday. (My name has been on the account since October, but I just set up my own online account last week. Ryan doesn't know about it. But I had to be able to see how much money we have since he's spending money right and left down there..) Spending money means Ryan will be able to say he can't come home because he has no money for gas. So I'm going to have to put this dare off until Thursday. But I know just what I want to get him.
You know, this dare in particular is making me happy. It's been a long time since I was truly happy with Ryan. I don't think I've truly gotten that tingle with him in years. I've been preoccupied, angry, depressed, even selfish, but I truly haven't given Ryan a lot of positive thought in a long time. The last couple dares have made me start to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. I truly want to buy something that will make him happy, something that will let him know I'm thinking about him. I'm actually excited about it.
Btw, I have done something nice today for Ryan. We have a Clemson flag hanging from a pole on the front porch (naturally). As I was handing Nate his lunch today, I noticed the wind had nearly pulled the flag completely off the pole. The last time that happened, Ryan found his flag halfway down the street. I could have left it. I could have been spiteful ("well if he was here, he'd be able to get his own damn flag.") Instead, I went outside in the cold and worked the flag back onto the pole. I've been keeping an eye on it so it doesn't blow away. I'm choosing to not be selfish...
Results?
"What did you choose to give your spouse?"
I can mostly answer this now. I'm looking for something small, relatively cheap, Clemson-related. I'm looking on Amazon because I'll be able to have it delivered to the house and will probably be able to get it much cheaper. I'm looking at either a set of disposable Clemson pens (that he'll be able to use in his office; after all, he still uses the pen shaped like a putter I gave him a few years ago) or a flag for his car (something I know he really wants.)
"What happened when you gave it?"
To be continued...
7 pm - I wrote all the above earlier today. I was going to update it when I found out whether Ryan was coming home or not. I know I should have been patient, I know I should have waited, but instead, I sent him a chat message that read "I assume you're not coming home tonight. Are you coming home tomorrow?" 30 minutes went by. I tried not to think about it. I decided to call him. No answer. I waited a minute then called again. No answer. Nothing infuriates me more than someone ignoring my call. I got pissed and wrote a message that said "I see. I'm going to take that as a no. And since you aren't able to communicate about the children when you don't have them, I'm going to assume you won't communicate when you do. So don't worry about this weekend. I'll make other arrangements."
Then I immediately called my mother. That apparently got his attention because he called twice while I was on the phone with her. I didn't answer. I asked my mom to watch Nick this weekend because I can't fit 4 children in my car. She thankfully said she could do it. Dinner was ready so I got off the phone. I saw he had sent me a chat message back that said "I do want the kids this weekend and I will answer your calls when I have them." While I was serving dinner to the boys, I called Ryan back. It rang several times, and I thought it was going to voicemail, but he finally answered "Hello, Suzanne." I said "Hello, Ryan." He started making excuses "that just wasn't a good time", " yes, I'm sorry, I was dodging your calls". I think I stayed fairly calm at first, but when he said how much he missed his boys, and I said to come here and act like it because I've been doing this for a week, and he said something along the lines of "I know how you feel", I kind of lost it. My voice got stronger and louder than I've ever raised it. I feel like I might have gone into a blind rage because I honestly can't remember exactly what I said. I do remember him saying at some point that everyone knew what was going on which makes me wonder if one of them has read this blog. (Now that I think about it, there was one "friend" that was also a friend of one of the people I hid the posts from...I've deleted her so that issue is gone...unless someone's saved the blog address...hmm...) No worries, we're starting over on this blog instead...
He made it very clear that he does not want to be together. He said he was going to wait until I accepted this before he came back. I was furious. I told him he was a sorry father, he was the most irresponsible man I've ever met, he obviously had no feelings for the boys at all (yeah, I was hitting low). He told me to stop "posturing" (he's used that word before, and it always pisses me off to no end.) I told him he was not getting the boys this weekend because I've already made arrangements with Mom. He tried to cut me off, tried to say "you can't do that!", but I said Nate is still sick, and I'm not going to stop nursing him now because he needs the antibodies, and I said "I can't trust you" to which he said "Oh give me a break!" then he said he didn't want to call me or answer my calls because it always turned into this to which I replied "IT WOULDN'T HAVE TURNED INTO THIS IF YOU HAD ANSWERED THE DAMN PHONE!!!"
He finally said he had to go, he was going to dinner for his brother's birthday, and he was going to go talk to his mom for a little while. He said he'd call later. I told him not to bother, and as he was hanging up ("I'm ending this conversation now, Suzanne"), I said "5 pm tomorrow, Ryan. Or you don't take Nick this weekend."
It makes me sick just thinking about it. I fell off the wagon. I lost my temper in a bad bad way. And I feel humiliated. Why am I doing this? He obviously doesn't want anything to do with me.
But it's only day 3. Caleb's wife wanted nothing to do with him at first in the movie "Fireproof." I need to persevere. My friend, Kala, told me to take a break, and tell him I'm doing this for me, not him. I'm not going to tell him anything. I'm just going to keep working. I'm going to keep writing. I'm just going to cover my tracks a little better this time...
(if you want to see Days 1 & 2 and find out what all this is about, go to suzyqr.tumblr.com/)
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