Day 10 - Love is unconditional - Last post

I wiped out what I wrote earlier today.  I just spoke to Ryan, and he made it very clear that he will not be back as long as I'm in the house.  He said his mom is working on finding me somewhere to live.  He said he wants both boys in his house (with his mother) this weekend, and he would like for me to find somewhere else to go.  He said the hug was a mistake.  He said playing this little game with me ("guess what I took") was a mistake.  He said I got him at a weak moment, and he has to stay away from me because those weak moments could start something that will set him back two or three months.

I told him I have nowhere to go, no money, no job, no credit, and my life is in ruins.  He said everything would be fine.

I give up.  I don't know what I'm going to do now.

Day 9 - Love makes good impressions

Today's horoscopes:

1 - "Your partner may return from a journey today, Taurus, and a deep conversation could follow.  Your friend will share stories of the trip, which could lead to talk about the relationship's future.  Nothing is apt to be decided.  The discussion is more likely to focus on generalities than specifics. You will gain a stronger understanding of your partner and how things could shape up."

2 - "It's possible that you'll reconnect with someone, or spend some time reminiscing about the past with a friend or family member today,  Taurus.  Maybe the truth is finally being told about something that's been kept secret for a long time.  At any rate these reflections on the past are likely to be inspiring, and move you toward positive actions you can take in the future."

Last night after I lay down to watch Harry Potter, my phone said "Bazinga."  I knew that meant I was getting a Google Talk message from either my sister or Ryan, the only two people who contact me regularly with Google Talk (my text messages say "That's what she said" : )  Ryan had written "I took something from the house can you figure out what?"  I started to walk around looking and wrote back "Do I get a prize if I guess right?"  But I honestly couldn't figure out what he was talking about.  5 or so minutes later I wrote "Ok I give.  What'd you take?"  Nothing.  10 minutes after that, I wrote "Oh you suck.  You're not going to tell me?"  Still nothing.  So I settled back on the couch to watch some more Harry Potter.

It reminded me of a night back in October.  On my way home from dropping off the boys, I stopped at AC Moore to find a picture frame for the bathroom.  Ryan's mother, Phoebe, had brought back three wooden pictures to hang in our hall bathroom.  Let me repeat that.  SHE had specifically bought these pictures to put in OUR hall bathroom.  When she came up for a visit and saw that they hadn't been hung yet, SHE GOT A HAMMER AND NAILS AND HUNG THEM UP HERSELF.  (See why I have a hard time with this woman?)  The pictures didn't work.  They were too small for the wall.  They were the wrong colors.  So after she left, we moved them to the hallway, and I set out to find a better picture.  I found the perfect picture but still needed a frame. I found one at AC Moore, but when I called Ryan to ask his advice, he didn't answer.  I waited about 5 minutes or so and called again.  Nothing.

There have been times when I've known Ryan was dodging my calls, and it would infuriate me to no end.  I'd overreact.  I'd keep calling until he turned his phone off.  I'd get mad when he would finally call back.  That night in AC Moore, I didn't. I told Nate "oh well, your daddy's gone off somewhere and forgotten his phone."  I got the frame and was headed to checkout when he called back.  He said he'd gone to Walmart with Nick and forgotten his phone.  I said "Yeah, I figured."  He said "doesn't it feel good not to be worried about me when I don't answer the phone?"  It did.

Last night, I had the same reaction.  "Oh well, maybe Ryan fell asleep before he saw my messages.  No worries."  About 30 minutes later, he wrote back "Didn't hear your replies.  Hehe take your time.  I might throw some hints your way.... :)"  I wrote back "You completely and totally suck :p"

I haven't heard from him yet this morning.  I'm going to go read my dare then get started on "The English Patient".  It's due back at the library soon.  I feel really positive!  I truly think I'm going the direction God wants me to go : )

Today's dare: "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today.  Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."

Results:

"When and where did you choose to do your special greeting? How will you change your greeting from this point on?"

Update from earlier...

I haven't actually talked to Ryan today and probably won't.  But when I think back, I have to say, I've been doing this the last couple times Ryan's come over.  I've been super-sweet.  I've been kind.  I haven't touched him, but I can't really yet, can I?  I've kept my voice calm and happy.  I've tried to show I love him every time he's come over.  I think I'm succeeding.

And I didn't start on "The English Patient."  Instead, I got sucked into a "Pretty Little Liars" marathon.  That's partly why this blog is somewhat shorter today : )

I finally wrote him a message.  I asked if it was the laptop, was that what he took.  He answered back "hehe yeah but nope."  I asked him for a hint.  He wrote "tiny bow."  I spent the next 30 minutes walking around the house trying to figure out what he meant.  I finally wrote back and and told him I had no clue.  He wrote "tiny ribbon made tiny bow.  No more hints today :)".

I seriously have no freaking clue what he took.  I can't find any missing stuffed animals.  The boys don't have tiny bows on any of their clothes or shoes or toys so I don't think whatever this thing is belongs to the boys.  I can't imagine that Ryan has anything with tiny bows on it, so it has to be mine, right?  But I can't figure it out!  I'm at a complete loss.

But this is fun : )

Day 8 - Love is not jealous

This is going to be a long day.

I'm trying to deal with Sagan.  Sagan is horribly disrespectful.  I ask both older children to do simple things, and I continually meet with resistance from him.  He hates to say "ma'am" or "sir."  I have to fight him to put his bowl in the sink.  I just called and left a message on his father's machine, and as I was talking, Sagan was on the couch imitating me by moving his mouth and hand.  It took all I had not to pull his pants down and tear him a new one.

So on top of dealing with Sagan, I'm going to have to deal with Ryan today.  I'm having a serious crisis of faith here.  I'm wondering why I'm bothering with all this.  Is it just going to make it harder at the end of 40 days when nothing's changed and it's still very over?

Ryan deleted me from Latitude last night.  I checked my list, and his name was gone.  I sent him a message and asked him to please add me back, just until Nick gets home.  I saw his chat light go green (and I'd had a drink) so I called him.  He said he didn't mean to cause a big uproar (I interrupted saying "I'm not causing a big uproar, honest").  I stayed sweet and kept all anger and sadness out of my voice.  I told him it was like he was trying to erase me.  He said it wasn't permanent.  He said it was just for a little while, but he didn't know how long.  He said we needed another degree of privacy (then he said he thought about deleting Latitude altogether because why should anyone know where he is all the time.  I don't believe him.  He said that about Facebook, and his profile is still up).  I said "Ok.  Will you give me a heads up when you're on your way tomorrow?"  He said he would.

This sucks.

I have to write as much as I can now because I don't know what's going to happen tonight.  I don't know when he's going to be here, and I have to have time to delete some of the internet history.  I'm dreading coming home tonight because he's going to leave, and I'm going to have Nick to deal with again all by myself. And I'm going to be so lonely.  If it weren't for these daily dares, I'm afraid I'd be sinking deeply into depression right now.  I'm trying to fight it off.

It's okay, though, right?  In the movie, Fireproof, Caleb destroys his computer and replaces it with a vase of roses and a card that says "I love you more."  His wife sees it.  She leaves him an envelope.  It's divorce papers.  

I can't expect miracles in just a week, right?

Today's dare: "Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."

Results:

"How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? How can you encourage them toward future successes?"

Today while Ryan's here, I'm going to finish yesterday's dare and complete today's.  I'm trying to remember everything I've learned over the last week.  Be patient.  Be kind.  Don't be selfish.  Be thoughtful.  Be considerate.  Don't be irritable.  Believe the best.  And today, don't be jealous.

Ryan's mother's status at 2 pm yesterday- "It is gorgeous here today! Ryan and his son, Nick, have gone for a picnic; Ryan made the food all by himself! They explored Clemson yesterday, visiting the local Wal-Mart where they purchased a big red ball. After that, Nick learned to throw the ball underhanded to his father. It is good to see them both so happy."

I saw that yesterday, and I was jealous.  I was envious.  I wanted Ryan here with me playing with Nick.  I wanted Ryan to do fun things with me.  I wanted Nick to miss me.

I have a hard time with jealousy.  I can think of instances in the past when Ryan's gone out with just Nick and had a great time, and I was honestly jealous of both of them.  This is definitely me being selfish.  

Phoebe's not the nicest person in the world.  I have a feeling she posted that so I could see it and be jealous and upset.  So instead, I "liked" it.  (I almost wrote a comment, but I was afraid that would be overkill.)

I started to "like" her status out of spite, but I stopped myself.  I knew my motivation was wrong so I set out to change it.  I made myself think about Ryan and Nick having fun.  I asked myself why was I jealous that the man I love and my dear son were happy?  I forced the jealousy out of my heart.  I admit, it was hard, and the jealousy tries to creep back in, but I waited until I could legitimately "like" her status before I  "liked" it.

Today when Ryan gets here, I'll thank him for being a good provider.  I'll thank him for letting me stay here and for continuing to pay my bills while I look for a job.  Then when I get home tonight, I'll praise him for doing such a wonderful job with Nick this weekend.  I'll encourage him to give Nick a call during the week to maintain contact.  I'll encourage him to come back and see the boys as often as possible.  And I'll praise him for keeping the boys while I go to Justin's birthday dinner.

I'm going to have a shower.  I'm going to wear a purple sweater, just for Ryan.  I'm going to dry my hair the way Ryan likes it.  I'm going to wear makeup.  And at some point, I'm going to burn that list outside in the grill...

My horoscope today: "The chart of the Spring Equinox contains omens that can be read as being very promising for you, Taurus. They point to the fact that this season will be more generous and favorable to you than the last one was.  It's important that you live your ideals and don't pay any attention to criticism; you have to do the right thing, no matter what anyone else is doing right now." 

.....

Ah, today went very well.  

Before Ryan got here, I lit the negative list on fire from the gas oven and burned it in the sink.  I had the boys ready to go at 1.  I was wearing my purple sweater and skinny jeans.  I know how this is going to sound, but the only reason I put on the skinny jeans is because they were the only ones that still fit.  I have lost 3-4 pounds in the last few weeks ("oh no, poor Suzanne!")  I was all cuted up and waiting for Ryan to arrive.  And he did.  With his mother.

I can imagine the conversation that went on.  "Suzanne is going to ask me to stay again."  "Well, I'll drive you then she CAN'T ask you to stay!"

No worries.  I sucked it up.  I smiled at Phoebe.  I kept the happy cheerful voice I've been perfecting with Ryan.  Ryan said "See, Mom, don't her glasses look nice?"  Phoebe said "well, they certainly are different."  I flashed a smile and said "Oh, I love them!"  

I went to the bedroom to get my shoes and socks.  Ryan followed me.  I met him coming back out.  I said "so I guess that means you're not staying, huh."  He sighed and said "no, not yet." I asked if he had thought about plans, what's going to happen, we can't keep going like this.  He said he guessed we were just going to have to get me an apartment somewhere nearby.  I said, in my sweetest voice, "but aren't you going to miss the boys this week?"  He said "yeah, I'm sure I will."  And I dropped it.  I closed by saying "I just want to tell you that I really appreciate you letting me stay here and paying my bills until I can leave."  He kind of looked surprised, but he said "no problem" and patted me on the shoulder.

I asked him when I needed to be back.  He said "oh, 6?"  I looked up and realized he was joking so I grinned.  (Joking, good sign.)  Then he said 9.  I asked him if he could go to the grocery store for me.  I kept up my happy cheerful smiling attitude all the way out the door.  

Not that seeing my brother on his birthday wasn't notable (I love spending time with my family : ), but let's skip ahead.

I got home shortly after 9.  When I came in, Phoebe was on the couch.  She said she'd gone to the store and pointed out all the things she had bought.  She did the classic Phoebe thing "I got Nick such-n-such because he likes that, be sure to give him that", but I didn't bite.  I just smiled and said "Oh, thank you! That was so nice of you!"  Ryan came out of the bedroom.  I kept up a nice happy smiling joking attitude the entire time.  I told him everyone said hi.  That seemed to make him happy.  I can't remember what exactly we spoke about, but I stayed positive and upbeat.  Ryan played off it.  I could feel him relaxing.  We joked.  ("Hey, your computer is just fine, the keylogger I installed shouldn't mess anything up!"  "Oh, thanks, did you have problems retrieving my history since I deleted everything?")  I got the feeling Phoebe was getting irritated.  She never cracked a smile.  She mentioned that the house was so hot that they opened windows.  I said "yeah, I haven't turned on the air yet, but the boys had to sleep down here this weekend because it was just boiling up there."  

Phoebe finally got fed up and said "it's time to go, Ryan."  She went out to the car, but Ryan kind of puttered around for a few minutes.  I knew exactly what he was doing.  I know this act so I played along.  He checked to see that his mom was in the car.  He asked me to bring a Walmart bag upstairs to put a poopy diaper in.  I could feel him wanting to make a move, but he didn't.  Then we went back downstairs, and when I said "are you sure you have everything?" and went into the bedroom, he followed and sat down on the bed.  Still no move.  We went in the kitchen and put food for Nick's lunch in containers.  I told him I was really proud of him for being such a good father to Nick this weekend.  I told him I was really happy that they had such a wonderful time together.  He seemed genuinely pleased that I said that.  Finally he really had to go because Phoebe had backed her car up into the driveway and was sitting there with the motor running.  He said "we'll figure something out about this weekend."  I said "ok.  I really kind of wanted to take Nick to church with me on Saturday, but I guess if you get him back early enough on Sunday, I can take him then."  He said "well, we'll talk about it later.  We'll figure something out."

I walked him to the door.  And he hugged me.  A real hug, not one of those half-assed pat on the back hugs.  He said the drive back was going to suck.  He said he'd call me.  Then he went and got in the car.  I watched them leave.

On my way back from dropping off the boys with Gary earlier, I prayed.  I talked to God almost all the way to the Chinese restaurant where I was meeting the family for dinner.  I asked him to please give me a sign, tell me if I should keep going with this book, am I doing the right thing?  I looked over, and it was 4:44.

I have this thing about repeating numbers on the clock.  I realize this is terribly OCD, but when I see them, I feel like I'm on the right track.  I used to see them all the time.  Then I wrote Phoebe an email in which I asked her to stop trying to be Ryan's wife and my children's mother.  And I stopped seeing them.  So I took the fact that I saw 4:44 as a sign that I'm doing the right thing.  And I think tonight's behavior from Ryan showed.  He loosened up.  He was more relaxed.  If I just keep this up, maybe he'll come home at some point, if only for a little while.  Earlier, I kept thinking to myself "how can I do some of these dares if he isn't here??"  I prayed.  I decided that if I was to do a certain dare, then God would put us both in the position to complete that dare.  I have more hope.  I feel good.  I'm back on track.

Now I'm going to go watch Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix.  : )

Day 7 - Love believes the best

I have the boys this weekend so I'm going to have a hard time studying as much as I'd like.  I really want to sit down and read this chapter several times to get back on track, but I think I'm going to have to wait until after the kids go down for the night.

I feel as if I've strayed somehow.  I'm not as positive as I was a couple days ago.  I can't seem to get back in that happy frame of mind.

I talked to Ryan once last night to ask him about meeting on Sunday.  My brother's birthday dinner is at 5.  I will either have to drop my boys off around 3:30ish to get back in time to the restaurant in time or I'll have to drop them off much later, more like 8 or 9 which would put me getting back to "my" house at 10 or 11 o'clock.  My selfish little heart wants to do the latter so Ryan won't be able to leave and go back to SC.  That's the truth of it.  My motivation is wrong.

Ryan wants to spend some time with Nate on Sunday before bedtime.  I told him I'd let him know when I figured out a plan.  After I talked to him, I sent him a chat message that said he was invited to Justin's party, that no one was mad at him, that no one hated him.  I told him just to think about it and not respond immediately.

Then I started thinking on the way home.  That was me putting pressure on Ryan to do something he didn't want to do.  That was me selfishly wanting Ryan to be a part of my family. That was me selfishly wanting to spend time with Ryan.  So I sent him a message when I got back home that said "You know what? That's really insensitive of me. I mean, you deleted them all bc it was making it complicated to move on, why would you want to see them in person? Sorry about that. Gary was sick & couldn't talk so I'll hopefully be able to let you know something tomorrow. Hope you & Nick are having a good time : )"  He wrote back 15 minutes later and said "Cool yes we had an awesome day".  I replied "I'm glad : )"

I need to put my motivations out on the table.  I want to see him on Sunday.  I want to be near him.  I want to hear his voice.  I don't just want him here to help with the kids or to make Nick feel better; I want him here to be with me.  Maybe it would be better for him not to be here for a little while longer.  I need to learn to get past these selfish motivations, and it's going to be a lot harder when he's here in the house.

Oh, and I found this little gem last night.  His mother's status, posted yesterday at 6:44 am: "Micromanage: Does anyone really want to micromanage?  Isn't it almost an affliction? Does attention to details, and trying to make sure something gets done in a timely manner, make one a micromanager....is reminding one's son to do something micromanaging? If so, I am trying to quit."

That's always been and always will be one of our biggest problems: Ryan's mother "micromanaging" his life.  Her post at 6:44 am makes me wonder 1 - if she was up so early because she got up with Nick and 2 -  what was she micromanaging that prompted this comment?  I immediately started thinking of all the terrible things she could be trying to get him to do.  Was she trying to get him to have the sheriff kick me out?  Was she trying to get him to start custody hearings?  What was she going to do this time that was going to ruin my life?

I started thinking back.  I know exactly when we started to have problems.  October.  It took us a couple months to start to have problems again.  I know why too.  Phoebe.  October was when Ryan started moving stuff from the office to our house in preparation for working from home.  There were a few occasions that month that pissed me off about Phoebe, and I didn't hesitate to let Ryan know.  I won't go into them, but, trust me, Phoebe is a hard person to get along with.  But if I loved Ryan, I should have tried harder.

Things started getting worse when Ryan started working from home.  Suddenly, we were around each other 24/7.  No break.  We as a couple can't do that.  We have to have breaks from each other. We start to get on each others' nerves.  We have no down time, no time to relax.

After writing all the above, I started to feel better.  I'm going to church tonight.  I'm going to pray.  I posted a status today: "There was one night that I did doubt myself.  It was one night when I first moved down to Atlanta and I had gotten my report card from Berklee, which had all the Fs on it. I went, 'What did I just do?' It was one night and I never felt that way again." - John Mayer" ... That sums it up.  I have to stop doubting myself.  I have to stop wondering if all this is for nothing.  I have to stop wondering if I should just go ahead and mourn this relationship and accept it and move on, like he's doing.  I have to trust in God; I have to trust that God has a plan.  He's put me on this path for a reason.  I just have to keep the faith.

This chapter presents an interesting idea.  It says that inside of our hearts, there are two rooms: an Appreciation Room and a Depreciation Room.  In the Appreciation Room are all the wonderful things we love about our spouse, all the things we learned in the very early days of our relationship.  In the Depreciation Room, we store all the the bad habits, the hurtful words, all the things that bother and irritate us. "Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages.  People fall out of love here."

"Love chooses to believe the best about people.  It gives them the benefit of the doubt.  It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions.  And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward."

"You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your mate. This is a crucial step as you learn to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not." [bold type is mine].

Today's dare: "For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic."

Results:

"Which list was easier to make? What did this reveal about your thoughts? What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?"

There is a bag in Ryan's closet.  On our first Valentine's Day, I gave him a large glass cookie jar filled with scraps of paper.  On each paper was written a reason I loved him. When we broke up the second time, when he moved out to the first house his mother bought him, he emptied the papers into a bag and filled the jar with change instead.  It's still filled with change.  And the papers are still in the bag.

I've pulled the bag down, and I will go through them tonight once everyone's asleep.  I'll pull out the ones I remember feeling, the ones I still feel.  It'll remind me why I love this man.

...

All the boys are in bed.  We had a nice time at church.  I will definitely be going back next Saturday.

The pastor showed a picture of his newborn daughter with a Dukes Blue Devil doll.  He joked that he wasn't a Duke fan; he had, in fact, been rooting for Clemson until they went out.

Clemson.  I just put my face in my hands and shook my head.  Really?

(Sidenote, when I had finally gotten away from Ryan, when I was finally in a new job, the first day there, I found out that one of the IT guys was named Ryan.  IT guy.  Named Ryan. Same reaction.)

I made the lists.  I didn't go through the whole bag (I had forgotten how many papers there were!), but I did write down 8 things, some of which I'd forgotten I loved about him.  I also found a few papers that I had changed my mind about.  I added those to the negative list.  I ended up with 9 things on that list.  Honestly? It was a lot easier to write the negative list.  

I found a few papers that I thought were rather comical, given the present circumstances. "I love you because you make me want to try harder for you."  (How did I forget that one so easily?)  "I thank God everyday that he led you to me."  (I stopped doing that.  I shouldn't have.)  "I will always do everything in my power to make sure we last."  (Again, stopped doing that.  I get so lazy.)  The last one?  "I love how well you treat your mother."  (I have nothing nice to say about this one so I will be saying nothing at all.)

I've called Ryan but no answer.  I wanted to make a plan for tomorrow.  I talked to Gary tonight, and we will be meeting at 3:30 so I can get back to the restaurant by 5 (hopefully).  I will need Ryan here no later than 1:30 in order for that to happen (but preferably 1:00, just to be safe...)  I sent him a message and asked him to call me when he gets a minute.  I figure I'll wait about an hour (half an hour to go) then call back.  I'm trying to avoid calling his mother's house phone because I don't want to wake up Nick (there's a phone in the computer room and her room, and he'll be in one of those.)  I would like to talk to him, but if I can't, I'm going to send him a message telling him I need him here by 1:30 at the absolute latest.  I'm also going to tell him that I really appreciate the compassion he's showing by letting me stay here until I have somewhere else to go.  He doesn't have to do that, you know?  He doesn't have to keep paying my bills.  He could be really mean here.  But he's being a good guy.  I should appreciate him more for being such a good provider.  Being compassionate was one of the things on my list.  

(I chickened out.  I just called him.  He'll be here by 1 tomorrow.  I asked how his day went, and he told me they had a blast.  I kept my voice happy and loving and joyful.  I'll tell him thank you when I see him in person tomorrow...)

And, oh yeah.  It's the full moon.  Duh.

Day 6 - Love is not irritable

Today's going to be relatively easy.  The dare today doesn't require contact with Ryan in any way.  I can relax and not have to wonder if he'll stay when he comes back on Sunday (although I hope my attitude and pleasant demeanor were encouraging enough that he'll think about it).  I don't have to worry about anything.  I can play with Nate then go get Sagan and Bodhi and enjoy them this weekend.  No stress.

I haven't talked to Ryan anymore after our encounter yesterday.  (I almost called him this morning.  It's the last day to order pictures from Nick's school.  But I didn't.  I recognized in me that the only reason I wanted to call him was to have contact with him, to hear his voice.  I didn't actually need his input.  Ryan gave me permission yesterday to order whatever I liked.  So I did.  Patience, Suzanne, patience.)

I rewarded myself for my good behavior yesterday by going to Taco Bell for dinner last night.  I know, that seems silly, but I'm a sucker for chicken quesadillas.

Ooo, chicken quesadillas.  I need to get that recipe from Janelle...

As I was driving back in the beautiful fresh spring evening , I heard the radio announcer say "and up next, John Mayer!"  I said out loud "Please not Half of My Heart! Please not Half of My Heart! Please not Half of My Heart!" And "My Body is a Wonderland" came on instead.  That made me deliriously happy : )

It seems so funny that I'm so content and happy just because of yesterday.  I'm proud of myself.  God's taking care of us.

Last night, I got a Facebook message back from the ex-brother-in-law-but-not-really-since-I-wasn't-married-to-Ryan.  His name is Rhett.  (Yes, although that's his middle name, he was named after Rhett Butler.)  He didn't say he wasn't going to delete me, but he did start a conversation about what's going on.  It felt productive.  Maybe the maturity wave will sweep over everyone.  Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if we all got along?

I've read and reread today's chapter a dozen times.  It took me a little while to truly understand what I was reading.  At first I thought it was just a continuation of "be kind, be patient", but, if I'm understanding this correctly, today is about taking care of me.  Dig:

"Life is a marathon, not a sprint. This means you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself."

It goes on to say that there are two key reasons that contribute to irritability.  One is stress which could be brought on by relational causes (arguing, division, and bitterness), excessive causes (overworking, overplaying, and overspending), and deficiencies (not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise.)  It says to take a "Sabbath" vacation day every week "for worship and rest."  "This strategically allows you time to recharge, refocus, and add breathing room or margin to your weekly schedule. Establishing these kinds of extra spaces will place cushions between you and the pressures around you, reducing the stress that keeps you on edge around your mate."

I punish myself.  If I'm sitting still, I feel like I'm being lazy.  I have to constantly be doing something.  When Ryan's here, I feel like if I'm on the computer, I'm doing him a disservice.  I should be cleaning the house.  I should be doing more with Nate.  I should be making dinner or going grocery shopping or something, anything productive because he's working and I'm not.

In addition to feeling guilty about all that, I drink a lot of coffee and eat very little.  I don't exercise.  My energy level has been miserable over the past couple months (only partly due to the numerous colds I seem to catch and keep.)  But yesterday, my energy level was through the roof.  I happily cleaned up in preparation for Ryan's visit.  I was motivated.  So I took another look at what I did yesterday.  I only had one cup of coffee, and I made a conscious decision not to make any more.  I knew it would just make me jittery and nervous.  And irritable.

I also made a conscious decision to eat lunch yesterday.  When things get me down, I have a hard time eating.  I have no appetite and no motivation.  But yesterday I decided I would eat no matter what.  And I felt good.

And one more thing.  After our shower, I sat in the floor and played with Nate while we waited on Ryan.  I watched Glee.  Nate and I danced to the songs.  And I felt so good!  I replayed the latest episode of Glee just so Nate and I could bounce and jump.  I felt like sunshine and blue skies.

I don't take enough time for me.  When I do take time to relax or refresh, I feel guilty.  I have to stop and breathe.  I have to set up enough time during the day to work AND play.  I have to stop teetering one direction or the other.  This will be hard because I can be sooooo lazy.  I recognize it.  I hate housework and doing laundry and cooking, etc.  So I slack off and don't do it.

The book lists another, deeper reason for irritability: selfishness which could wear many "masks" (like lust, bitterness, greed, and pride.)  "These motivations can never be satisfied.  But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself.  It loosens your grasp and helps you let go of unnecessary things."

As I typed that, I realized that it says to quit focusing on yourself.  That's not necessarily in opposition to the former passage; rather this part of the chapter is telling me to stop focusing on myself selfishly.  Being productive, being healthy, those aren't selfish things.  Those are the margins I need in order to focus on others, to love others without irritability.

Today's Dare: "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."

Results:

"Where do you need to add margin to your life? When have you recently overreacted? What was your real motivation behind it? What decisions have you made today?"

Touch circumstances.  Let's take a look.  I'm in a house by myself.  I could potentially be here by myself with two little children for some time.  I have no money, no job, and I rely solely on Ryan to take care of me.  Instead of being irritated that I've been put and have put myself in this position, I need to look at this in a loving way.  Ryan may not be in love with me, but he cares about me and the kids enough to keep food in our mouths and a roof over our heads.  He may not want to come home and live with me under that roof, but it's not because he's being hateful.  He's hurting.  I need to accept that and be patient.  I need to react with love instead of irritability.  If he doesn't stay on Sunday, I need to smile and let it go.  This is in God's hands.

Where can I add margins?  I need to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday.  I need to cut back to one cup of coffee a day.  I need to take time out everyday just to read or garden or just relax and not feel guilty about it.  And I need to begin exercising everyday.  I'm sure I can find a DVD on Yoga at the library.  I need to get that YMCA application in, then I could take a Zumba class.  I really enjoyed dancing yesterday.  I really enjoyed bouncing around to the music.  It made me happy.  Exercising will give me a boost of energy which will improve my mood which will lessen my stress which will make me more patient and calm...

Wrong motivations that I need to release... I like attention.  I crave attention.  I got very upset with Ryan for not acknowledging what I do around here.  In fact, just before Ryan left, I was trying to teach him a lesson by refusing to clean the kitchen and making him do it instead because I was sick of doing everything and never be thanked for it.  That's the wrong motivation.  I should be cleaning the kitchen because I don't want to see the mess, or because seeing a clean kitchen would make him happy, not because I want him to thank me for it.  There are so many things I should be doing out of love not selfishness.  

I suppose me not calling Ryan about the pictures today is a good example of me releasing a wrong motivation.  I just wanted to have contact with him.  I wasn't thinking about anyone else.  If I love him (which I do, you don't just stop loving someone because they stop loving you), I need to start thinking about his wants and needs.  And, at the moment, he needs space.  So I'll give it to him.

Doing things for him doesn't mean that I'm playing a dutiful little 50s housewife.  It's me showing true unconditional love.  And if there is any love left in him for me, my actions will bring it back out.  But if there isn't, that's fine too.  Where did I read that recently?  I can't find it now, but whatever passage I read said if you love someone unconditionally, you don't quit loving him just because he doesn't love you.

When have I recently overreacted?  How about Tuesday night?  I won't replay the whole drama, but that was an extreme overreaction.  And what was my real motivation behind it?  I was hurt, and I wanted him to hurt too.  I was angry that he got to leave and is making me deal with the kids by myself.  I was embarrassed because I thought he had read this blog and that he and all his family and friends were laughing at me.  I was afraid of being alone, afraid of having to start over, afraid of being kicked out or losing my kids.  If I had been patient, if I had been loving, if I had been kind, Tuesday night would have been very different.  The rest of the week might have gone differently.  I may not have been deleted from his Facebook friends.  It will be very hard not to overreact to things once Ryan comes back, but if I just keep to the program, if I just keep doing these dares, if I give myself the margins I listed above, I'm sure I can keep the overreactions to a bare minimum.

I'm going to have a glass of juice and watch last week's Glee again.  Then I'm going to go get the kids.  The blogs this weekend will most likely be much shorter, but I will keep these dares going.  I think I'm learning a lot.  And I feel really positive about the future.

Day 5 - Love is not rude

After I posted yesterday...

I ended up with Nick on my lap again last night.  He started crying about 30 minutes after he went to bed, and he wouldn't stop.  Just before I went to get him, my friend, Kala, posted a few comments on one of my statuses, explaining why she thought Ryan was an asshole. I immediately got a Facebook message from Ryan that said "hey, look i'm unfriending you due to the inflammatory comments from your friends, don't take this personal."

I sent Kala a text and told her I was deleting her comments.  Then I called Ryan as I went upstairs to get Nick.  I told him what I'd done and asked him to please "be friends" with me again.  He said he'd think about it.

I went downstairs, sat on the couch, and sent Ryan a chat message, asked him again to accept my friend request.  (I originally wrote out the whole conversation here, but that might be too much sharing.)  Suffice it to say, he told me he was deleting everyone because "it makes it complicated to move on."  He deleted my whole family.  He also asked "Btw...honestly what's up with this blog stuff?"  I told him it was just a blog I was working on, trying to get closer to God.  He said "So you do realize nobody came to me with some blog."  I told him if they didn't, I was glad.

I checked later.  Not only had Ryan deleted me, his best friend had too.  I wrote his brother and asked if he was going to delete me too.  Then I tried to go to bed.

Nate woke up at 3:30.  I thought he was going to go back to sleep, but he started up again at 3:45.  I gave up.  I went and got him and nursed him in the bed, hoping he would go to sleep.  He wouldn't.  So we went in the living room, and I reread the first 2 dares as Nate played.

A couple passages jumped out at me.

From Day 1: "Anger almost never makes things better."  "Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human...When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it."

From Day 2: "Love makes you kind. And kindness makes you likable. When you're kind, people want to be around you. They see you as being good to them and good for them."  "Gentleness. When you're operating from kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh." "Helpfulness. Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment." "Willingness. Kindness inspires you to be agreeable." "Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don't require the other to get his or her act together before showing love."

I'm not being very loving to Ryan.  I know, I know, I have every right to be angry with him.  I know he doesn't want to be with me.  But does that mean I have to stop showing him love?  He wants to "move on".  I need closure before I can move on.  Closure is me finishing this book, no matter the outcome.

So this morning, I decided I'd pack Nick's suitcase and take it to the daycare so Ryan wouldn't even have to stop by here.  He's hurting.  Why selfishly make him come here if he doesn't want to see me at all?  That was hard.  I told the teachers what was going to be happening, then I tried to give Nick a kiss and hug.  He playfully pulled away, but then he turned around with this sweet loving expression and kissed me on the lips.  Not just a peck, he gave me a sweet kiss and a hug.  It took everything I had not to burst into tears right there.

Nick is a handful.  His temper tantrums make me want to scream.  But this weekend, I'm not going to be there for him.  It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.  And I'm realizing.  I want him.  And I don't need Ryan's help.  If Ryan wants to come home and live with me until I can leave, so be it.  But if he doesn't, at least I have Nick.

I called Ryan and told him since I knew he didn't really want to see me, I left the suitcase at the daycare.  He said he was still coming by because he wanted to spend some time with Nathan.  At the time, it made me sad.  I thought "he wants to see Nathan, but he doesn't want to see me."  But so?  ("Love is not selfish.")  That's a good thing.  He wants to see his son.  Maybe seeing Nate and having Nick this weekend will make him want to come home and spend more time with them.  And if it doesn't?  That's okay too.

Today's dare: "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."

A few passages: "The bottom line is that genuine love minds its manners."  "Good manners express to your wife or husband, 'I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you.'" "You know the rules, but you can be blind to how you break them or be too self-centered to care. In fact, you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with." "Guard the Golden Rule." "No double standards." "Honor requests."

Here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to ask Ryan to tell me those three things.  I'm going to tell him that this has to do with the blog, that this has to do with making me a better person, but I'm not going to tell him what the book is or what the subject matter of the book is.  He can choose to answer the questions or not.  But I will have done it.  I will have completed my dare.

When he gets here, I'm going to greet him with a smile and a beautiful attitude.  I'm not going to start any drama.  I'm not going to beg him to come home.  I'm just going to ask him if he'd like anything to eat or drink, and, if not, I'll leave him with Nate in the living room to play while I go read a book in the other room.  I won't selfishly try to bring the attention onto me.  I won't try to control the situation.  I will ask the questions when it's closer to the time for him to leave, but I won't force it.  And I won't cry.

Btw, did I mention I saw two more "Elevation Church" stickers today at the school?

Results:

"What things did your spouse point out about you that need your attention? How did you handle hearing it? What do you plan to do to improve these areas?"

This was an easy visit.  I cleaned the house as much as possible, other than Nate's toys all over.  I dried my hair straight, the way he likes it.  I put on makeup.  I wore a very nice white dressy shirt over a green tank top.  I even wore lipstick.  I was pleasant.  I smiled really big.  I laughed.  I asked if he needed anything when he came in.  We chatted about Glee.  After he took a shower, I told him he could play with Nate in the living room while I read in the bedroom, and he could just let me know when he was done.  I stayed away for a good 30 minutes and let them have some alone time.  He came in and said he had to get his clothes.  I tried not to look at what he was getting, but I did.  Nice shirts.  Nice pants.  No blazer this time.  

And I did it.  I asked him.  He was leaving, and I told him there was a silly question I had to ask.  I told him my blog was sort of a journey, something that I was using to make myself a better person, and that there were certain tasks I had to accomplish every day.  I asked him what three things irritated him or made him uncomfortable about me.  He sputtered, said "it's nothing you're doing, it's not that, you're not irritating", and I stopped him.  I said "Ryan, I'm not asking about the relationship.  You don't have to explain yourself.  It's okay.  Just think.  Is there anything that irritates you?  It could be anything, I grind my teeth, I lose my temper too often, I don't vacuum enough, anything."  He sighed and said "when do you need an answer?"  I said "whenever you want to give one, if you want to give one."  He said he'd get back to me.  Then he said that he and David had been racking their brains trying to figure out what I was talking about because nobody told anyone about my blog.

I told him I wasn't sure when I'd be back on Sunday.  He said just to let him know.  Then he said "you don't have any idea?"  I said, not really, why?  He said he wanted to play with Nate for a little while before bedtime.  I asked if he was staying here, and he said no, he was planning on going back.  I said "you can stay here, Ryan."  I said it in a calm way, with a smile.  I kept all anger and frustration and sadness out of my voice.  He said "maybe.  I'll think about it.  I'll let you know."  I told him that the only reason I hadn't moved all my stuff upstairs was because his old desk was in the spare bedroom, and I couldn't get into the closet.  

That was it.  We said bye, have fun this weekend, etc.  He asked me to tell Justin Happy Birthday even though he knew Justin wouldn't give a shit (to which I replied "oh, Ryan, that's not true.")  I wonder if Justin "liking" my relationship status change hurt his feelings.  

If and when Ryan answers the question, I will act just as I did today.  I'm really proud of myself.  I never raised my voice.  I didn't start any drama.  I acted lovingly.  And I liked doing it.  I hope he does come home to stay on Sunday.  If I can keep this attitude, we'll be fine.  If he doesn't, that's fine too.  He can take all the time he needs.

(Btw - David, Ryan's best friend, wrote me a message apologizing for overreacting to something he "heard through the grapevine".  He said he wanted me to know he wasn't interfering, and that he hoped Ryan and I could get along and not be at each other's throats.  I wrote back and told him thank you, among other things, and that I hoped Ryan and I could come to an acceptable compromise soon...)

Day 4 - Love is thoughtful

Oh, today is going to be hard.

Today's dare: "Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them."

How on earth am I going to pull this one off?  Frankly, I don't want to contact him in any way, but even if I did and made an attempt, he doesn't want me to contact him.  He wants to be left alone.  I've issued him an ultimatum - be home by 5 pm today, by the time I get back from picking up Nick, or he doesn't get to take Nick to SC this weekend. I know it was a stupid thing to do, and I know he's not going to come home, and I know he's just going to wait until Friday before he does, and if I try to enforce my ultimatum, I'll have a royal fight on my hands.  I lost my temper last night.  I was supposed to be patient and let God work on this.  Last night when he said "I'll call you later", I said "you are a liar. You said you'd call today and let me know when you'd be home, and you lied."  He said "the day's not over yet! I wanted to be able to talk to Mom for a little while; she's been asleep all day with jet lag."  If I had been patient, maybe he would be coming home today.  I don't know.  I shouldn't have tried to control the situation.  Again.  But it's only day 4, right?  I can't be expected to change completely in 4 days, right?

Btw, yesterday afternoon as I was leaving the school parking lot, I saw a van with a bumper sticker - "Elevation Church".  The church I'll be visiting this Saturday.  I knew it was a sign that I needed to be patient, but instead I let my impatience and temper get the best of me.  I ignored God's sign.  It's hard to undo nearly 35 years worth of bad habits...

Here are a few passages from the chapter today.

"Love requires thoughtfulness-on both sides-the kind that builds bridges through the constructive combination of patience, kindness, and selflessness.  Love teaches you how to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate how your spouse uniquely thinks."

"But too often you become angry and frustrated instead, following the destructive pattern of "ready, shoot, aim."  You speak harshly now and determine later if you should have said it. But the thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your lips.  Love thinks before speaking.  It filters words through a grid of truth and kindness."

"When was the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? What immediate need can you meet? What's the next event (anniversary, birthday, holiday) you could be preparing for? Great marriages come from great thinking."

Results:

"What did you learn about yourself or your spouse by doing this today?  How could this become a more natural, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle?"

Here's what I did.

I prayed about it.  I literally got down on my knees in the living room and begged God to tell me what to do.  Give me a sign.  How do I do today's dare? I thought about writing Ryan and asking if he would like onion chicken and mushroom rice for dinner (his favorite).  I asked God to send me a message or a call or even just show me 3:33 on the DVR if that's what I should do.  I got up and went to the bathroom without looking at the clock.  When I came back out, I saw 3:32 on the oven clock.  I thought, well, that's that.  Then I looked at the DVR clock.  It read 3:33.

I don't know if that counted, but I decided to write anyway.  It took me another 10 minutes to get up the nerve, but I finally sent Ryan a chat message.  And I told myself, there.  I've done the dare.  No matter what else happens today, I completed my task.  He doesn't have to write back, he doesn't have to answer, and if he does, he doesn't have to answer in the way I want him to answer.  I completed my task.

About 30 minutes later, as I was putting Nate in the car to go pick up Nick, a message came up.  "Well as it stands I'm working at Dave's/babysitting Chloe while he and Ashley are at a clinic. No idea how much longer he'll be. I will call you soon so I can talk to Nick and Nathan."  I sent back a one word answer.  "Ok."

I realize I probably see signs everywhere that aren't really signs.  I realize coincidences could be just that: coincidences.  But as I was on my way to get Nick, I had to laugh.  Katy Perry's song "Hot and Cold" came over the radio.  As I listened to the words "Someone call the doctor, Got a case of a love bi-polar, Stuck on a roller coaster, Can't get off this ride", a car changed lanes and got in front of me.  A Clemson sticker was on the window.

Seriously, how could you not laugh at that?

I got behind a car leaving Nick's school.  It had an "Elevation Church" sticker on it.  I will definitely be going to that church this Saturday.

Ryan called about 15 minutes after we got home.  I put him on speakerphone so he could talk to the boys.  Nate kept trying to eat the phone, but Nick, oh my sweet baby Nick, his eyes got really big, and this giant smile came over his face.  But he wouldn't say a word.  Finally, I asked Nick to say "bye-bye" and "I love you".  He shook his head and said "no", and his face fell.  He looked like he was about to break out into tears, sad tears, like when he sees the sad kitty in the book.  (My eyes are tearing up just thinking about it.)  I quickly took Ryan off speakphone.

I asked him if he was coming home tomorrow.  He said he was thinking about taking Thursday and Friday off and coming to pick up Nick tomorrow.  I asked if he wouldn't like to spend some time with Nate too. He said if I would reconsider, he would gladly take Nate too.  I told him no, I had already told him my reasons for not letting Nate stop nursing yet.  I asked if he would be bringing Nick home Sunday.  He said of course.  I asked if he would be staying.  He said he didn't think it was a good idea for us to be in the house together.

This is the part I'm most proud of.

I told him to please come home.  I told him that this is hard on Nick.  Nick's routine has been disrupted, and he's acting out because of it.  Ryan tried to say "let me talk to you about this later", but I said "Ryan, I'm not yelling at you.  I'm not fighting.  Please let me speak."  He said "ok." So I continued.  I told him that we could coexist in this house until I figured out what to do next.  I told him we needed to get back to as normal a life as possible for Nick's sake.  I told him I would do whatever it took for us to coexist peacefully as parents together.  I told him I understood, he didn't want a relationship, and I wouldn't pursue one with him anymore (which may or may not have been a slight fib, I haven't decided yet.)  He said he would call me later or send me a message.  I told him he didn't have to make this decision now, to think about it, give it some time.  He said he knew that, then he said again he'd call or message me later.  I told him just to let me know what was happening with Nick tomorrow.  Then he said "I'll be in touch" which is a term he knows I despise.

So I don't know what's going to happen next.  I don't feel like I can really answer the "results" questions.  I know I can't keep going on like this.  I can't keep Nick and Nate by myself for another week.  I can't leave yet.  And I truly don't want to be away from these boys.  Nick may be a handful, but I have been this child's primary caregiver since birth.  When he's been gone longer than just a few days, it's killed me.  I love these children so much.

So I'm going to pray.  I'm going to get back down on my knees again and beg God to work this out.  I know God's going to make this work the way he wants it to work, but I'm going to beg him not to take my kids.  I'm going to beg him to have Ryan come home.  This can work.  It may not be an ideal situation, but it can work for as long as it needs to.

Gotta go.  Nate is spitting milk everywhere.  I'll update again tomorrow...

Day 3 - Love is not selfish

The boys and I had a rough night.

I hate writing blogs that sound like I'm complaining all the time. Things will get better, I will write a positive blog soon, I'm sure...

The boys cried for about 20 minutes before they both finally went to sleep last night. I fell asleep on the couch and got up around 11 and moved to the bedroom. I was coughing, but I was able to get back to sleep pretty quickly.

I woke up at 2 am, coughing that dry hacking unproductive cough that makes your chest ache. I couldn't stop. I drank water, I sucked on cough drops, but I just kept coughing. At 3:23, the tickle in my throat was finally gone, and I foolishly thought to myself "I'm so glad the boys are asleep."

Nick woke up almost immediately. I let him cry for 5 minutes. Then Nate woke up.

They cried for 15 minutes straight. I took a video so everyone could hear, but it's too depressing for me to post. I honestly was afraid they would wake up the neighbors; they were that loud. I debated going up and getting them, but I knew if I did, I would have Nick trying to lie directly on top of me while Nate nursed non-stop for the next 4 hours. I would get no sleep. I wasn't getting any sleep anyway, coughing the way I was, but at least I was by myself. I knew I couldn't go up and try to calm them down because all they wanted was for me to pick them up.

They cried off and on like that for 30 minutes. By 4 am, I had decided to just go get Nick, but when I got to the door, I realized it was Nate crying. I couldn't do it. I closed my door but left it open a crack so I could hear when they woke up later in the morning. Then I realized if I was closing the door so I couldn't hear them crying, I probably wasn't going to hear them crying and waking me up later either. So I set my alarm for 7 am, sat straight up in bed with 3 pillows behind me, and tried to focus on going to sleep without coughing. I think the last time I saw on the clock was 4:14. I'd been up for over 2 hours.

My alarm did go off, but I just kept hitting snooze. I finally got up at 7:50. Neither of the boys were awake. I was able to get us all up and dressed and to the school mostly on time. I knew we didn't have time to eat, but I felt really guilty when the teacher asked Nick what he had for breakfast. Nick threw his usual tantrum on the way in, refused to put down the toys he brought from home, then screamed and cried when I took them away. The teachers both looked like they were not looking forward to the rest of the day. I snuck out while one of the teachers was holding Nick and looking out the window. I didn't even hug or kiss him goodbye.

All the way home, I ranted in my head. I was going to call Ryan and tell him to get his ass home. If he fought me, I was going to tell him I was bringing the kids there. No, if I did that, I might not get them back. If he said no, I was going to tell him he was abandoning his children and not to bother coming home at all. If he was coming home, I would not allow him to leave the state with my kids so no coming back and grabbing them then taking them to his mom's. (I did some research. NC has no law against parents taking kids out of state without the other's permission...) I went over and over the options in my head. Then I got home and calmed myself. I am not in control here. God is in control over what happens next. I need to stop trying to take control and just be patient. So, as much as this is killing the little control-freak in me, I'm not calling Ryan. I'm not texting him. I'm not writing him. I am going to read the book and follow the next dare.

Today's dare: "Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

This one might be a little difficult. We only have $30 left in the bank until Ryan gets paid on Thursday. (My name has been on the account since October, but I just set up my own online account last week. Ryan doesn't know about it. But I had to be able to see how much money we have since he's spending money right and left down there..) Spending money means Ryan will be able to say he can't come home because he has no money for gas. So I'm going to have to put this dare off until Thursday. But I know just what I want to get him.

You know, this dare in particular is making me happy. It's been a long time since I was truly happy with Ryan. I don't think I've truly gotten that tingle with him in years. I've been preoccupied, angry, depressed, even selfish, but I truly haven't given Ryan a lot of positive thought in a long time. The last couple dares have made me start to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. I truly want to buy something that will make him happy, something that will let him know I'm thinking about him. I'm actually excited about it.

Btw, I have done something nice today for Ryan. We have a Clemson flag hanging from a pole on the front porch (naturally). As I was handing Nate his lunch today, I noticed the wind had nearly pulled the flag completely off the pole. The last time that happened, Ryan found his flag halfway down the street. I could have left it. I could have been spiteful ("well if he was here, he'd be able to get his own damn flag.") Instead, I went outside in the cold and worked the flag back onto the pole. I've been keeping an eye on it so it doesn't blow away. I'm choosing to not be selfish...

Results?

"What did you choose to give your spouse?"

I can mostly answer this now. I'm looking for something small, relatively cheap, Clemson-related. I'm looking on Amazon because I'll be able to have it delivered to the house and will probably be able to get it much cheaper. I'm looking at either a set of disposable Clemson pens (that he'll be able to use in his office; after all, he still uses the pen shaped like a putter I gave him a few years ago) or a flag for his car (something I know he really wants.)

"What happened when you gave it?"

To be continued...

7 pm - I wrote all the above earlier today. I was going to update it when I found out whether Ryan was coming home or not. I know I should have been patient, I know I should have waited, but instead, I sent him a chat message that read "I assume you're not coming home tonight. Are you coming home tomorrow?" 30 minutes went by. I tried not to think about it. I decided to call him. No answer. I waited a minute then called again. No answer. Nothing infuriates me more than someone ignoring my call. I got pissed and wrote a message that said "I see. I'm going to take that as a no. And since you aren't able to communicate about the children when you don't have them, I'm going to assume you won't communicate when you do. So don't worry about this weekend. I'll make other arrangements."

Then I immediately called my mother. That apparently got his attention because he called twice while I was on the phone with her. I didn't answer. I asked my mom to watch Nick this weekend because I can't fit 4 children in my car. She thankfully said she could do it. Dinner was ready so I got off the phone. I saw he had sent me a chat message back that said "I do want the kids this weekend and I will answer your calls when I have them." While I was serving dinner to the boys, I called Ryan back. It rang several times, and I thought it was going to voicemail, but he finally answered "Hello, Suzanne." I said "Hello, Ryan." He started making excuses "that just wasn't a good time", " yes, I'm sorry, I was dodging your calls". I think I stayed fairly calm at first, but when he said how much he missed his boys, and I said to come here and act like it because I've been doing this for a week, and he said something along the lines of "I know how you feel", I kind of lost it. My voice got stronger and louder than I've ever raised it. I feel like I might have gone into a blind rage because I honestly can't remember exactly what I said. I do remember him saying at some point that everyone knew what was going on which makes me wonder if one of them has read this blog. (Now that I think about it, there was one "friend" that was also a friend of one of the people I hid the posts from...I've deleted her so that issue is gone...unless someone's saved the blog address...hmm...)  No worries, we're starting over on this blog instead...

He made it very clear that he does not want to be together.  He said he was going to wait until I accepted this before he came back.  I was furious.  I told him he was a sorry father, he was the most irresponsible man I've ever met, he obviously had no feelings for the boys at all (yeah, I was hitting low).  He told me to stop "posturing" (he's used that word before, and it always pisses me off to no end.)  I told him he was not getting the boys this weekend because I've already made arrangements with Mom.  He tried to cut me off, tried to say "you can't do that!", but I said Nate is still sick, and I'm not going to stop nursing him now because he needs the antibodies, and I said "I can't trust you" to which he said "Oh give me a break!" then he said he didn't want to call me or answer my calls because it always turned into this to which I replied "IT WOULDN'T HAVE TURNED INTO THIS IF YOU HAD ANSWERED THE DAMN PHONE!!!"

He finally said he had to go, he was going to dinner for his brother's birthday, and he was going to go talk to his mom for a little while.  He said he'd call later.  I told him not to bother, and as he was hanging up ("I'm ending this conversation now, Suzanne"), I said "5 pm tomorrow, Ryan. Or you don't take Nick this weekend."

It makes me sick just thinking about it.  I fell off the wagon.  I lost my temper in a bad bad way.  And I feel humiliated.  Why am I doing this?  He obviously doesn't want anything to do with me.

But it's only day 3.  Caleb's wife wanted nothing to do with him at first in the movie "Fireproof."  I need to persevere.  My friend, Kala, told me to take a break, and tell him I'm doing this for me, not him.  I'm not going to tell him anything.  I'm just going to keep working.  I'm going to keep writing.  I'm just going to cover my tracks a little better this time...

(if you want to see Days 1 & 2 and find out what all this is about, go to suzyqr.tumblr.com/)

My sweet littlest guy

Notes for Nick

Nick's "school" (I use this term instead of daycare although, really, who are we kidding?) sends home a "Toddler Daily Activity Report" every day. Here are the "memorable moments" from February 22nd through February 25th (not sure where February 21st went):

22nd - Nicholas had a good day! He really enjoyed feeling the warm breeze on his skin! He said it feels so nice.

(*I'm sure the boy who still has issues putting together a two-word sentence said that.  Cute, but no dice.*)

23rd - Nick C had a great day! He really enjoyed running and jumping outside with his friends. He was playing catch with his friends so nicely.

(*Nick is usually known as Nick C because another little Nick was already there.  Oh well.*)

24th - Nicholas had a great day! He really enjoyed pushing his cars on the carpet with his friends. Great job Nick!

(*Seems like he'd bring that friendly attitude home to share with his brother...*)

25th - Have a great weekend Nick C!

(*This is the usual Friday note.*)

I'm going to save all these notes (just like I did with all the progress sheets from his short stint in daycare at 6 months old) so he can look back and see what a great thing daycare really is.  Or be embarrassed.  Whichever.

Also, I swear Nate just said his second word. "Ball."  : )