After I posted yesterday...
I ended up with Nick on my lap again last night. He started crying about 30 minutes after he went to bed, and he wouldn't stop. Just before I went to get him, my friend, Kala, posted a few comments on one of my statuses, explaining why she thought Ryan was an asshole. I immediately got a Facebook message from Ryan that said "hey, look i'm unfriending you due to the inflammatory comments from your friends, don't take this personal."
I sent Kala a text and told her I was deleting her comments. Then I called Ryan as I went upstairs to get Nick. I told him what I'd done and asked him to please "be friends" with me again. He said he'd think about it.
I went downstairs, sat on the couch, and sent Ryan a chat message, asked him again to accept my friend request. (I originally wrote out the whole conversation here, but that might be too much sharing.) Suffice it to say, he told me he was deleting everyone because "it makes it complicated to move on." He deleted my whole family. He also asked "Btw...honestly what's up with this blog stuff?" I told him it was just a blog I was working on, trying to get closer to God. He said "So you do realize nobody came to me with some blog." I told him if they didn't, I was glad.
I checked later. Not only had Ryan deleted me, his best friend had too. I wrote his brother and asked if he was going to delete me too. Then I tried to go to bed.
Nate woke up at 3:30. I thought he was going to go back to sleep, but he started up again at 3:45. I gave up. I went and got him and nursed him in the bed, hoping he would go to sleep. He wouldn't. So we went in the living room, and I reread the first 2 dares as Nate played.
A couple passages jumped out at me.
From Day 1: "Anger almost never makes things better." "Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human...When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it."
From Day 2: "Love makes you kind. And kindness makes you likable. When you're kind, people want to be around you. They see you as being good to them and good for them." "Gentleness. When you're operating from kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh." "Helpfulness. Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment." "Willingness. Kindness inspires you to be agreeable." "Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don't require the other to get his or her act together before showing love."
I'm not being very loving to Ryan. I know, I know, I have every right to be angry with him. I know he doesn't want to be with me. But does that mean I have to stop showing him love? He wants to "move on". I need closure before I can move on. Closure is me finishing this book, no matter the outcome.
So this morning, I decided I'd pack Nick's suitcase and take it to the daycare so Ryan wouldn't even have to stop by here. He's hurting. Why selfishly make him come here if he doesn't want to see me at all? That was hard. I told the teachers what was going to be happening, then I tried to give Nick a kiss and hug. He playfully pulled away, but then he turned around with this sweet loving expression and kissed me on the lips. Not just a peck, he gave me a sweet kiss and a hug. It took everything I had not to burst into tears right there.
Nick is a handful. His temper tantrums make me want to scream. But this weekend, I'm not going to be there for him. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. And I'm realizing. I want him. And I don't need Ryan's help. If Ryan wants to come home and live with me until I can leave, so be it. But if he doesn't, at least I have Nick.
I called Ryan and told him since I knew he didn't really want to see me, I left the suitcase at the daycare. He said he was still coming by because he wanted to spend some time with Nathan. At the time, it made me sad. I thought "he wants to see Nathan, but he doesn't want to see me." But so? ("Love is not selfish.") That's a good thing. He wants to see his son. Maybe seeing Nate and having Nick this weekend will make him want to come home and spend more time with them. And if it doesn't? That's okay too.
Today's dare: "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."
A few passages: "The bottom line is that genuine love minds its manners." "Good manners express to your wife or husband, 'I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you.'" "You know the rules, but you can be blind to how you break them or be too self-centered to care. In fact, you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with." "Guard the Golden Rule." "No double standards." "Honor requests."
Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask Ryan to tell me those three things. I'm going to tell him that this has to do with the blog, that this has to do with making me a better person, but I'm not going to tell him what the book is or what the subject matter of the book is. He can choose to answer the questions or not. But I will have done it. I will have completed my dare.
When he gets here, I'm going to greet him with a smile and a beautiful attitude. I'm not going to start any drama. I'm not going to beg him to come home. I'm just going to ask him if he'd like anything to eat or drink, and, if not, I'll leave him with Nate in the living room to play while I go read a book in the other room. I won't selfishly try to bring the attention onto me. I won't try to control the situation. I will ask the questions when it's closer to the time for him to leave, but I won't force it. And I won't cry.
Btw, did I mention I saw two more "Elevation Church" stickers today at the school?
Results:
"What things did your spouse point out about you that need your attention? How did you handle hearing it? What do you plan to do to improve these areas?"
This was an easy visit. I cleaned the house as much as possible, other than Nate's toys all over. I dried my hair straight, the way he likes it. I put on makeup. I wore a very nice white dressy shirt over a green tank top. I even wore lipstick. I was pleasant. I smiled really big. I laughed. I asked if he needed anything when he came in. We chatted about Glee. After he took a shower, I told him he could play with Nate in the living room while I read in the bedroom, and he could just let me know when he was done. I stayed away for a good 30 minutes and let them have some alone time. He came in and said he had to get his clothes. I tried not to look at what he was getting, but I did. Nice shirts. Nice pants. No blazer this time.
And I did it. I asked him. He was leaving, and I told him there was a silly question I had to ask. I told him my blog was sort of a journey, something that I was using to make myself a better person, and that there were certain tasks I had to accomplish every day. I asked him what three things irritated him or made him uncomfortable about me. He sputtered, said "it's nothing you're doing, it's not that, you're not irritating", and I stopped him. I said "Ryan, I'm not asking about the relationship. You don't have to explain yourself. It's okay. Just think. Is there anything that irritates you? It could be anything, I grind my teeth, I lose my temper too often, I don't vacuum enough, anything." He sighed and said "when do you need an answer?" I said "whenever you want to give one, if you want to give one." He said he'd get back to me. Then he said that he and David had been racking their brains trying to figure out what I was talking about because nobody told anyone about my blog.
I told him I wasn't sure when I'd be back on Sunday. He said just to let him know. Then he said "you don't have any idea?" I said, not really, why? He said he wanted to play with Nate for a little while before bedtime. I asked if he was staying here, and he said no, he was planning on going back. I said "you can stay here, Ryan." I said it in a calm way, with a smile. I kept all anger and frustration and sadness out of my voice. He said "maybe. I'll think about it. I'll let you know." I told him that the only reason I hadn't moved all my stuff upstairs was because his old desk was in the spare bedroom, and I couldn't get into the closet.
That was it. We said bye, have fun this weekend, etc. He asked me to tell Justin Happy Birthday even though he knew Justin wouldn't give a shit (to which I replied "oh, Ryan, that's not true.") I wonder if Justin "liking" my relationship status change hurt his feelings.
If and when Ryan answers the question, I will act just as I did today. I'm really proud of myself. I never raised my voice. I didn't start any drama. I acted lovingly. And I liked doing it. I hope he does come home to stay on Sunday. If I can keep this attitude, we'll be fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too. He can take all the time he needs.
(Btw - David, Ryan's best friend, wrote me a message apologizing for overreacting to something he "heard through the grapevine". He said he wanted me to know he wasn't interfering, and that he hoped Ryan and I could get along and not be at each other's throats. I wrote back and told him thank you, among other things, and that I hoped Ryan and I could come to an acceptable compromise soon...)
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