Today's going to be relatively easy. The dare today doesn't require contact with Ryan in any way. I can relax and not have to wonder if he'll stay when he comes back on Sunday (although I hope my attitude and pleasant demeanor were encouraging enough that he'll think about it). I don't have to worry about anything. I can play with Nate then go get Sagan and Bodhi and enjoy them this weekend. No stress.
I haven't talked to Ryan anymore after our encounter yesterday. (I almost called him this morning. It's the last day to order pictures from Nick's school. But I didn't. I recognized in me that the only reason I wanted to call him was to have contact with him, to hear his voice. I didn't actually need his input. Ryan gave me permission yesterday to order whatever I liked. So I did. Patience, Suzanne, patience.)
I rewarded myself for my good behavior yesterday by going to Taco Bell for dinner last night. I know, that seems silly, but I'm a sucker for chicken quesadillas.
Ooo, chicken quesadillas. I need to get that recipe from Janelle...
As I was driving back in the beautiful fresh spring evening , I heard the radio announcer say "and up next, John Mayer!" I said out loud "Please not Half of My Heart! Please not Half of My Heart! Please not Half of My Heart!" And "My Body is a Wonderland" came on instead. That made me deliriously happy : )
It seems so funny that I'm so content and happy just because of yesterday. I'm proud of myself. God's taking care of us.
Last night, I got a Facebook message back from the ex-brother-in-law-but-not-really-since-I-wasn't-married-to-Ryan. His name is Rhett. (Yes, although that's his middle name, he was named after Rhett Butler.) He didn't say he wasn't going to delete me, but he did start a conversation about what's going on. It felt productive. Maybe the maturity wave will sweep over everyone. Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if we all got along?
I've read and reread today's chapter a dozen times. It took me a little while to truly understand what I was reading. At first I thought it was just a continuation of "be kind, be patient", but, if I'm understanding this correctly, today is about taking care of me. Dig:
"Life is a marathon, not a sprint. This means you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself."
It goes on to say that there are two key reasons that contribute to irritability. One is stress which could be brought on by relational causes (arguing, division, and bitterness), excessive causes (overworking, overplaying, and overspending), and deficiencies (not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise.) It says to take a "Sabbath" vacation day every week "for worship and rest." "This strategically allows you time to recharge, refocus, and add breathing room or margin to your weekly schedule. Establishing these kinds of extra spaces will place cushions between you and the pressures around you, reducing the stress that keeps you on edge around your mate."
I punish myself. If I'm sitting still, I feel like I'm being lazy. I have to constantly be doing something. When Ryan's here, I feel like if I'm on the computer, I'm doing him a disservice. I should be cleaning the house. I should be doing more with Nate. I should be making dinner or going grocery shopping or something, anything productive because he's working and I'm not.
In addition to feeling guilty about all that, I drink a lot of coffee and eat very little. I don't exercise. My energy level has been miserable over the past couple months (only partly due to the numerous colds I seem to catch and keep.) But yesterday, my energy level was through the roof. I happily cleaned up in preparation for Ryan's visit. I was motivated. So I took another look at what I did yesterday. I only had one cup of coffee, and I made a conscious decision not to make any more. I knew it would just make me jittery and nervous. And irritable.
I also made a conscious decision to eat lunch yesterday. When things get me down, I have a hard time eating. I have no appetite and no motivation. But yesterday I decided I would eat no matter what. And I felt good.
And one more thing. After our shower, I sat in the floor and played with Nate while we waited on Ryan. I watched Glee. Nate and I danced to the songs. And I felt so good! I replayed the latest episode of Glee just so Nate and I could bounce and jump. I felt like sunshine and blue skies.
I don't take enough time for me. When I do take time to relax or refresh, I feel guilty. I have to stop and breathe. I have to set up enough time during the day to work AND play. I have to stop teetering one direction or the other. This will be hard because I can be sooooo lazy. I recognize it. I hate housework and doing laundry and cooking, etc. So I slack off and don't do it.
The book lists another, deeper reason for irritability: selfishness which could wear many "masks" (like lust, bitterness, greed, and pride.) "These motivations can never be satisfied. But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself. It loosens your grasp and helps you let go of unnecessary things."
As I typed that, I realized that it says to quit focusing on yourself. That's not necessarily in opposition to the former passage; rather this part of the chapter is telling me to stop focusing on myself selfishly. Being productive, being healthy, those aren't selfish things. Those are the margins I need in order to focus on others, to love others without irritability.
Today's Dare: "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."
Results:
"Where do you need to add margin to your life? When have you recently overreacted? What was your real motivation behind it? What decisions have you made today?"
Touch circumstances. Let's take a look. I'm in a house by myself. I could potentially be here by myself with two little children for some time. I have no money, no job, and I rely solely on Ryan to take care of me. Instead of being irritated that I've been put and have put myself in this position, I need to look at this in a loving way. Ryan may not be in love with me, but he cares about me and the kids enough to keep food in our mouths and a roof over our heads. He may not want to come home and live with me under that roof, but it's not because he's being hateful. He's hurting. I need to accept that and be patient. I need to react with love instead of irritability. If he doesn't stay on Sunday, I need to smile and let it go. This is in God's hands.
Where can I add margins? I need to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday. I need to cut back to one cup of coffee a day. I need to take time out everyday just to read or garden or just relax and not feel guilty about it. And I need to begin exercising everyday. I'm sure I can find a DVD on Yoga at the library. I need to get that YMCA application in, then I could take a Zumba class. I really enjoyed dancing yesterday. I really enjoyed bouncing around to the music. It made me happy. Exercising will give me a boost of energy which will improve my mood which will lessen my stress which will make me more patient and calm...
Wrong motivations that I need to release... I like attention. I crave attention. I got very upset with Ryan for not acknowledging what I do around here. In fact, just before Ryan left, I was trying to teach him a lesson by refusing to clean the kitchen and making him do it instead because I was sick of doing everything and never be thanked for it. That's the wrong motivation. I should be cleaning the kitchen because I don't want to see the mess, or because seeing a clean kitchen would make him happy, not because I want him to thank me for it. There are so many things I should be doing out of love not selfishness.
I suppose me not calling Ryan about the pictures today is a good example of me releasing a wrong motivation. I just wanted to have contact with him. I wasn't thinking about anyone else. If I love him (which I do, you don't just stop loving someone because they stop loving you), I need to start thinking about his wants and needs. And, at the moment, he needs space. So I'll give it to him.
Doing things for him doesn't mean that I'm playing a dutiful little 50s housewife. It's me showing true unconditional love. And if there is any love left in him for me, my actions will bring it back out. But if there isn't, that's fine too. Where did I read that recently? I can't find it now, but whatever passage I read said if you love someone unconditionally, you don't quit loving him just because he doesn't love you.
When have I recently overreacted? How about Tuesday night? I won't replay the whole drama, but that was an extreme overreaction. And what was my real motivation behind it? I was hurt, and I wanted him to hurt too. I was angry that he got to leave and is making me deal with the kids by myself. I was embarrassed because I thought he had read this blog and that he and all his family and friends were laughing at me. I was afraid of being alone, afraid of having to start over, afraid of being kicked out or losing my kids. If I had been patient, if I had been loving, if I had been kind, Tuesday night would have been very different. The rest of the week might have gone differently. I may not have been deleted from his Facebook friends. It will be very hard not to overreact to things once Ryan comes back, but if I just keep to the program, if I just keep doing these dares, if I give myself the margins I listed above, I'm sure I can keep the overreactions to a bare minimum.
I'm going to have a glass of juice and watch last week's Glee again. Then I'm going to go get the kids. The blogs this weekend will most likely be much shorter, but I will keep these dares going. I think I'm learning a lot. And I feel really positive about the future.
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