This is going to be a long day.
I'm trying to deal with Sagan. Sagan is horribly disrespectful. I ask both older children to do simple things, and I continually meet with resistance from him. He hates to say "ma'am" or "sir." I have to fight him to put his bowl in the sink. I just called and left a message on his father's machine, and as I was talking, Sagan was on the couch imitating me by moving his mouth and hand. It took all I had not to pull his pants down and tear him a new one.
So on top of dealing with Sagan, I'm going to have to deal with Ryan today. I'm having a serious crisis of faith here. I'm wondering why I'm bothering with all this. Is it just going to make it harder at the end of 40 days when nothing's changed and it's still very over?
Ryan deleted me from Latitude last night. I checked my list, and his name was gone. I sent him a message and asked him to please add me back, just until Nick gets home. I saw his chat light go green (and I'd had a drink) so I called him. He said he didn't mean to cause a big uproar (I interrupted saying "I'm not causing a big uproar, honest"). I stayed sweet and kept all anger and sadness out of my voice. I told him it was like he was trying to erase me. He said it wasn't permanent. He said it was just for a little while, but he didn't know how long. He said we needed another degree of privacy (then he said he thought about deleting Latitude altogether because why should anyone know where he is all the time. I don't believe him. He said that about Facebook, and his profile is still up). I said "Ok. Will you give me a heads up when you're on your way tomorrow?" He said he would.
This sucks.
I have to write as much as I can now because I don't know what's going to happen tonight. I don't know when he's going to be here, and I have to have time to delete some of the internet history. I'm dreading coming home tonight because he's going to leave, and I'm going to have Nick to deal with again all by myself. And I'm going to be so lonely. If it weren't for these daily dares, I'm afraid I'd be sinking deeply into depression right now. I'm trying to fight it off.
It's okay, though, right? In the movie, Fireproof, Caleb destroys his computer and replaces it with a vase of roses and a card that says "I love you more." His wife sees it. She leaves him an envelope. It's divorce papers.
I can't expect miracles in just a week, right?
Today's dare: "Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."
Results:
"How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? How can you encourage them toward future successes?"
Today while Ryan's here, I'm going to finish yesterday's dare and complete today's. I'm trying to remember everything I've learned over the last week. Be patient. Be kind. Don't be selfish. Be thoughtful. Be considerate. Don't be irritable. Believe the best. And today, don't be jealous.
Ryan's mother's status at 2 pm yesterday- "It is gorgeous here today! Ryan and his son, Nick, have gone for a picnic; Ryan made the food all by himself! They explored Clemson yesterday, visiting the local Wal-Mart where they purchased a big red ball. After that, Nick learned to throw the ball underhanded to his father. It is good to see them both so happy."
I saw that yesterday, and I was jealous. I was envious. I wanted Ryan here with me playing with Nick. I wanted Ryan to do fun things with me. I wanted Nick to miss me.
I have a hard time with jealousy. I can think of instances in the past when Ryan's gone out with just Nick and had a great time, and I was honestly jealous of both of them. This is definitely me being selfish.
Phoebe's not the nicest person in the world. I have a feeling she posted that so I could see it and be jealous and upset. So instead, I "liked" it. (I almost wrote a comment, but I was afraid that would be overkill.)
I started to "like" her status out of spite, but I stopped myself. I knew my motivation was wrong so I set out to change it. I made myself think about Ryan and Nick having fun. I asked myself why was I jealous that the man I love and my dear son were happy? I forced the jealousy out of my heart. I admit, it was hard, and the jealousy tries to creep back in, but I waited until I could legitimately "like" her status before I "liked" it.
Today when Ryan gets here, I'll thank him for being a good provider. I'll thank him for letting me stay here and for continuing to pay my bills while I look for a job. Then when I get home tonight, I'll praise him for doing such a wonderful job with Nick this weekend. I'll encourage him to give Nick a call during the week to maintain contact. I'll encourage him to come back and see the boys as often as possible. And I'll praise him for keeping the boys while I go to Justin's birthday dinner.
I'm going to have a shower. I'm going to wear a purple sweater, just for Ryan. I'm going to dry my hair the way Ryan likes it. I'm going to wear makeup. And at some point, I'm going to burn that list outside in the grill...
My horoscope today: "The chart of the Spring Equinox contains omens that can be read as being very promising for you, Taurus. They point to the fact that this season will be more generous and favorable to you than the last one was. It's important that you live your ideals and don't pay any attention to criticism; you have to do the right thing, no matter what anyone else is doing right now."
.....
Ah, today went very well.
Before Ryan got here, I lit the negative list on fire from the gas oven and burned it in the sink. I had the boys ready to go at 1. I was wearing my purple sweater and skinny jeans. I know how this is going to sound, but the only reason I put on the skinny jeans is because they were the only ones that still fit. I have lost 3-4 pounds in the last few weeks ("oh no, poor Suzanne!") I was all cuted up and waiting for Ryan to arrive. And he did. With his mother.
I can imagine the conversation that went on. "Suzanne is going to ask me to stay again." "Well, I'll drive you then she CAN'T ask you to stay!"
No worries. I sucked it up. I smiled at Phoebe. I kept the happy cheerful voice I've been perfecting with Ryan. Ryan said "See, Mom, don't her glasses look nice?" Phoebe said "well, they certainly are different." I flashed a smile and said "Oh, I love them!"
I went to the bedroom to get my shoes and socks. Ryan followed me. I met him coming back out. I said "so I guess that means you're not staying, huh." He sighed and said "no, not yet." I asked if he had thought about plans, what's going to happen, we can't keep going like this. He said he guessed we were just going to have to get me an apartment somewhere nearby. I said, in my sweetest voice, "but aren't you going to miss the boys this week?" He said "yeah, I'm sure I will." And I dropped it. I closed by saying "I just want to tell you that I really appreciate you letting me stay here and paying my bills until I can leave." He kind of looked surprised, but he said "no problem" and patted me on the shoulder.
I asked him when I needed to be back. He said "oh, 6?" I looked up and realized he was joking so I grinned. (Joking, good sign.) Then he said 9. I asked him if he could go to the grocery store for me. I kept up my happy cheerful smiling attitude all the way out the door.
Not that seeing my brother on his birthday wasn't notable (I love spending time with my family : ), but let's skip ahead.
I got home shortly after 9. When I came in, Phoebe was on the couch. She said she'd gone to the store and pointed out all the things she had bought. She did the classic Phoebe thing "I got Nick such-n-such because he likes that, be sure to give him that", but I didn't bite. I just smiled and said "Oh, thank you! That was so nice of you!" Ryan came out of the bedroom. I kept up a nice happy smiling joking attitude the entire time. I told him everyone said hi. That seemed to make him happy. I can't remember what exactly we spoke about, but I stayed positive and upbeat. Ryan played off it. I could feel him relaxing. We joked. ("Hey, your computer is just fine, the keylogger I installed shouldn't mess anything up!" "Oh, thanks, did you have problems retrieving my history since I deleted everything?") I got the feeling Phoebe was getting irritated. She never cracked a smile. She mentioned that the house was so hot that they opened windows. I said "yeah, I haven't turned on the air yet, but the boys had to sleep down here this weekend because it was just boiling up there."
Phoebe finally got fed up and said "it's time to go, Ryan." She went out to the car, but Ryan kind of puttered around for a few minutes. I knew exactly what he was doing. I know this act so I played along. He checked to see that his mom was in the car. He asked me to bring a Walmart bag upstairs to put a poopy diaper in. I could feel him wanting to make a move, but he didn't. Then we went back downstairs, and when I said "are you sure you have everything?" and went into the bedroom, he followed and sat down on the bed. Still no move. We went in the kitchen and put food for Nick's lunch in containers. I told him I was really proud of him for being such a good father to Nick this weekend. I told him I was really happy that they had such a wonderful time together. He seemed genuinely pleased that I said that. Finally he really had to go because Phoebe had backed her car up into the driveway and was sitting there with the motor running. He said "we'll figure something out about this weekend." I said "ok. I really kind of wanted to take Nick to church with me on Saturday, but I guess if you get him back early enough on Sunday, I can take him then." He said "well, we'll talk about it later. We'll figure something out."
I walked him to the door. And he hugged me. A real hug, not one of those half-assed pat on the back hugs. He said the drive back was going to suck. He said he'd call me. Then he went and got in the car. I watched them leave.
On my way back from dropping off the boys with Gary earlier, I prayed. I talked to God almost all the way to the Chinese restaurant where I was meeting the family for dinner. I asked him to please give me a sign, tell me if I should keep going with this book, am I doing the right thing? I looked over, and it was 4:44.
I have this thing about repeating numbers on the clock. I realize this is terribly OCD, but when I see them, I feel like I'm on the right track. I used to see them all the time. Then I wrote Phoebe an email in which I asked her to stop trying to be Ryan's wife and my children's mother. And I stopped seeing them. So I took the fact that I saw 4:44 as a sign that I'm doing the right thing. And I think tonight's behavior from Ryan showed. He loosened up. He was more relaxed. If I just keep this up, maybe he'll come home at some point, if only for a little while. Earlier, I kept thinking to myself "how can I do some of these dares if he isn't here??" I prayed. I decided that if I was to do a certain dare, then God would put us both in the position to complete that dare. I have more hope. I feel good. I'm back on track.
Now I'm going to go watch Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix. : )
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