I have the boys this weekend so I'm going to have a hard time studying as much as I'd like. I really want to sit down and read this chapter several times to get back on track, but I think I'm going to have to wait until after the kids go down for the night.
I feel as if I've strayed somehow. I'm not as positive as I was a couple days ago. I can't seem to get back in that happy frame of mind.
I talked to Ryan once last night to ask him about meeting on Sunday. My brother's birthday dinner is at 5. I will either have to drop my boys off around 3:30ish to get back in time to the restaurant in time or I'll have to drop them off much later, more like 8 or 9 which would put me getting back to "my" house at 10 or 11 o'clock. My selfish little heart wants to do the latter so Ryan won't be able to leave and go back to SC. That's the truth of it. My motivation is wrong.
Ryan wants to spend some time with Nate on Sunday before bedtime. I told him I'd let him know when I figured out a plan. After I talked to him, I sent him a chat message that said he was invited to Justin's party, that no one was mad at him, that no one hated him. I told him just to think about it and not respond immediately.
Then I started thinking on the way home. That was me putting pressure on Ryan to do something he didn't want to do. That was me selfishly wanting Ryan to be a part of my family. That was me selfishly wanting to spend time with Ryan. So I sent him a message when I got back home that said "You know what? That's really insensitive of me. I mean, you deleted them all bc it was making it complicated to move on, why would you want to see them in person? Sorry about that. Gary was sick & couldn't talk so I'll hopefully be able to let you know something tomorrow. Hope you & Nick are having a good time : )" He wrote back 15 minutes later and said "Cool yes we had an awesome day". I replied "I'm glad : )"
I need to put my motivations out on the table. I want to see him on Sunday. I want to be near him. I want to hear his voice. I don't just want him here to help with the kids or to make Nick feel better; I want him here to be with me. Maybe it would be better for him not to be here for a little while longer. I need to learn to get past these selfish motivations, and it's going to be a lot harder when he's here in the house.
Oh, and I found this little gem last night. His mother's status, posted yesterday at 6:44 am: "Micromanage: Does anyone really want to micromanage? Isn't it almost an affliction? Does attention to details, and trying to make sure something gets done in a timely manner, make one a micromanager....is reminding one's son to do something micromanaging? If so, I am trying to quit."
That's always been and always will be one of our biggest problems: Ryan's mother "micromanaging" his life. Her post at 6:44 am makes me wonder 1 - if she was up so early because she got up with Nick and 2 - what was she micromanaging that prompted this comment? I immediately started thinking of all the terrible things she could be trying to get him to do. Was she trying to get him to have the sheriff kick me out? Was she trying to get him to start custody hearings? What was she going to do this time that was going to ruin my life?
I started thinking back. I know exactly when we started to have problems. October. It took us a couple months to start to have problems again. I know why too. Phoebe. October was when Ryan started moving stuff from the office to our house in preparation for working from home. There were a few occasions that month that pissed me off about Phoebe, and I didn't hesitate to let Ryan know. I won't go into them, but, trust me, Phoebe is a hard person to get along with. But if I loved Ryan, I should have tried harder.
Things started getting worse when Ryan started working from home. Suddenly, we were around each other 24/7. No break. We as a couple can't do that. We have to have breaks from each other. We start to get on each others' nerves. We have no down time, no time to relax.
After writing all the above, I started to feel better. I'm going to church tonight. I'm going to pray. I posted a status today: "There was one night that I did doubt myself. It was one night when I first moved down to Atlanta and I had gotten my report card from Berklee, which had all the Fs on it. I went, 'What did I just do?' It was one night and I never felt that way again." - John Mayer" ... That sums it up. I have to stop doubting myself. I have to stop wondering if all this is for nothing. I have to stop wondering if I should just go ahead and mourn this relationship and accept it and move on, like he's doing. I have to trust in God; I have to trust that God has a plan. He's put me on this path for a reason. I just have to keep the faith.
This chapter presents an interesting idea. It says that inside of our hearts, there are two rooms: an Appreciation Room and a Depreciation Room. In the Appreciation Room are all the wonderful things we love about our spouse, all the things we learned in the very early days of our relationship. In the Depreciation Room, we store all the the bad habits, the hurtful words, all the things that bother and irritate us. "Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. People fall out of love here."
"Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward."
"You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your mate. This is a crucial step as you learn to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not." [bold type is mine].
Today's dare: "For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic."
Results:
"Which list was easier to make? What did this reveal about your thoughts? What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?"
There is a bag in Ryan's closet. On our first Valentine's Day, I gave him a large glass cookie jar filled with scraps of paper. On each paper was written a reason I loved him. When we broke up the second time, when he moved out to the first house his mother bought him, he emptied the papers into a bag and filled the jar with change instead. It's still filled with change. And the papers are still in the bag.
I've pulled the bag down, and I will go through them tonight once everyone's asleep. I'll pull out the ones I remember feeling, the ones I still feel. It'll remind me why I love this man.
...
All the boys are in bed. We had a nice time at church. I will definitely be going back next Saturday.
The pastor showed a picture of his newborn daughter with a Dukes Blue Devil doll. He joked that he wasn't a Duke fan; he had, in fact, been rooting for Clemson until they went out.
Clemson. I just put my face in my hands and shook my head. Really?
(Sidenote, when I had finally gotten away from Ryan, when I was finally in a new job, the first day there, I found out that one of the IT guys was named Ryan. IT guy. Named Ryan. Same reaction.)
I made the lists. I didn't go through the whole bag (I had forgotten how many papers there were!), but I did write down 8 things, some of which I'd forgotten I loved about him. I also found a few papers that I had changed my mind about. I added those to the negative list. I ended up with 9 things on that list. Honestly? It was a lot easier to write the negative list.
I found a few papers that I thought were rather comical, given the present circumstances. "I love you because you make me want to try harder for you." (How did I forget that one so easily?) "I thank God everyday that he led you to me." (I stopped doing that. I shouldn't have.) "I will always do everything in my power to make sure we last." (Again, stopped doing that. I get so lazy.) The last one? "I love how well you treat your mother." (I have nothing nice to say about this one so I will be saying nothing at all.)
I've called Ryan but no answer. I wanted to make a plan for tomorrow. I talked to Gary tonight, and we will be meeting at 3:30 so I can get back to the restaurant by 5 (hopefully). I will need Ryan here no later than 1:30 in order for that to happen (but preferably 1:00, just to be safe...) I sent him a message and asked him to call me when he gets a minute. I figure I'll wait about an hour (half an hour to go) then call back. I'm trying to avoid calling his mother's house phone because I don't want to wake up Nick (there's a phone in the computer room and her room, and he'll be in one of those.) I would like to talk to him, but if I can't, I'm going to send him a message telling him I need him here by 1:30 at the absolute latest. I'm also going to tell him that I really appreciate the compassion he's showing by letting me stay here until I have somewhere else to go. He doesn't have to do that, you know? He doesn't have to keep paying my bills. He could be really mean here. But he's being a good guy. I should appreciate him more for being such a good provider. Being compassionate was one of the things on my list.
(I chickened out. I just called him. He'll be here by 1 tomorrow. I asked how his day went, and he told me they had a blast. I kept my voice happy and loving and joyful. I'll tell him thank you when I see him in person tomorrow...)
And, oh yeah. It's the full moon. Duh.
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