Day 4 - Love is thoughtful

Oh, today is going to be hard.

Today's dare: "Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them."

How on earth am I going to pull this one off?  Frankly, I don't want to contact him in any way, but even if I did and made an attempt, he doesn't want me to contact him.  He wants to be left alone.  I've issued him an ultimatum - be home by 5 pm today, by the time I get back from picking up Nick, or he doesn't get to take Nick to SC this weekend. I know it was a stupid thing to do, and I know he's not going to come home, and I know he's just going to wait until Friday before he does, and if I try to enforce my ultimatum, I'll have a royal fight on my hands.  I lost my temper last night.  I was supposed to be patient and let God work on this.  Last night when he said "I'll call you later", I said "you are a liar. You said you'd call today and let me know when you'd be home, and you lied."  He said "the day's not over yet! I wanted to be able to talk to Mom for a little while; she's been asleep all day with jet lag."  If I had been patient, maybe he would be coming home today.  I don't know.  I shouldn't have tried to control the situation.  Again.  But it's only day 4, right?  I can't be expected to change completely in 4 days, right?

Btw, yesterday afternoon as I was leaving the school parking lot, I saw a van with a bumper sticker - "Elevation Church".  The church I'll be visiting this Saturday.  I knew it was a sign that I needed to be patient, but instead I let my impatience and temper get the best of me.  I ignored God's sign.  It's hard to undo nearly 35 years worth of bad habits...

Here are a few passages from the chapter today.

"Love requires thoughtfulness-on both sides-the kind that builds bridges through the constructive combination of patience, kindness, and selflessness.  Love teaches you how to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate how your spouse uniquely thinks."

"But too often you become angry and frustrated instead, following the destructive pattern of "ready, shoot, aim."  You speak harshly now and determine later if you should have said it. But the thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your lips.  Love thinks before speaking.  It filters words through a grid of truth and kindness."

"When was the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? What immediate need can you meet? What's the next event (anniversary, birthday, holiday) you could be preparing for? Great marriages come from great thinking."

Results:

"What did you learn about yourself or your spouse by doing this today?  How could this become a more natural, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle?"

Here's what I did.

I prayed about it.  I literally got down on my knees in the living room and begged God to tell me what to do.  Give me a sign.  How do I do today's dare? I thought about writing Ryan and asking if he would like onion chicken and mushroom rice for dinner (his favorite).  I asked God to send me a message or a call or even just show me 3:33 on the DVR if that's what I should do.  I got up and went to the bathroom without looking at the clock.  When I came back out, I saw 3:32 on the oven clock.  I thought, well, that's that.  Then I looked at the DVR clock.  It read 3:33.

I don't know if that counted, but I decided to write anyway.  It took me another 10 minutes to get up the nerve, but I finally sent Ryan a chat message.  And I told myself, there.  I've done the dare.  No matter what else happens today, I completed my task.  He doesn't have to write back, he doesn't have to answer, and if he does, he doesn't have to answer in the way I want him to answer.  I completed my task.

About 30 minutes later, as I was putting Nate in the car to go pick up Nick, a message came up.  "Well as it stands I'm working at Dave's/babysitting Chloe while he and Ashley are at a clinic. No idea how much longer he'll be. I will call you soon so I can talk to Nick and Nathan."  I sent back a one word answer.  "Ok."

I realize I probably see signs everywhere that aren't really signs.  I realize coincidences could be just that: coincidences.  But as I was on my way to get Nick, I had to laugh.  Katy Perry's song "Hot and Cold" came over the radio.  As I listened to the words "Someone call the doctor, Got a case of a love bi-polar, Stuck on a roller coaster, Can't get off this ride", a car changed lanes and got in front of me.  A Clemson sticker was on the window.

Seriously, how could you not laugh at that?

I got behind a car leaving Nick's school.  It had an "Elevation Church" sticker on it.  I will definitely be going to that church this Saturday.

Ryan called about 15 minutes after we got home.  I put him on speakerphone so he could talk to the boys.  Nate kept trying to eat the phone, but Nick, oh my sweet baby Nick, his eyes got really big, and this giant smile came over his face.  But he wouldn't say a word.  Finally, I asked Nick to say "bye-bye" and "I love you".  He shook his head and said "no", and his face fell.  He looked like he was about to break out into tears, sad tears, like when he sees the sad kitty in the book.  (My eyes are tearing up just thinking about it.)  I quickly took Ryan off speakphone.

I asked him if he was coming home tomorrow.  He said he was thinking about taking Thursday and Friday off and coming to pick up Nick tomorrow.  I asked if he wouldn't like to spend some time with Nate too. He said if I would reconsider, he would gladly take Nate too.  I told him no, I had already told him my reasons for not letting Nate stop nursing yet.  I asked if he would be bringing Nick home Sunday.  He said of course.  I asked if he would be staying.  He said he didn't think it was a good idea for us to be in the house together.

This is the part I'm most proud of.

I told him to please come home.  I told him that this is hard on Nick.  Nick's routine has been disrupted, and he's acting out because of it.  Ryan tried to say "let me talk to you about this later", but I said "Ryan, I'm not yelling at you.  I'm not fighting.  Please let me speak."  He said "ok." So I continued.  I told him that we could coexist in this house until I figured out what to do next.  I told him we needed to get back to as normal a life as possible for Nick's sake.  I told him I would do whatever it took for us to coexist peacefully as parents together.  I told him I understood, he didn't want a relationship, and I wouldn't pursue one with him anymore (which may or may not have been a slight fib, I haven't decided yet.)  He said he would call me later or send me a message.  I told him he didn't have to make this decision now, to think about it, give it some time.  He said he knew that, then he said again he'd call or message me later.  I told him just to let me know what was happening with Nick tomorrow.  Then he said "I'll be in touch" which is a term he knows I despise.

So I don't know what's going to happen next.  I don't feel like I can really answer the "results" questions.  I know I can't keep going on like this.  I can't keep Nick and Nate by myself for another week.  I can't leave yet.  And I truly don't want to be away from these boys.  Nick may be a handful, but I have been this child's primary caregiver since birth.  When he's been gone longer than just a few days, it's killed me.  I love these children so much.

So I'm going to pray.  I'm going to get back down on my knees again and beg God to work this out.  I know God's going to make this work the way he wants it to work, but I'm going to beg him not to take my kids.  I'm going to beg him to have Ryan come home.  This can work.  It may not be an ideal situation, but it can work for as long as it needs to.

Gotta go.  Nate is spitting milk everywhere.  I'll update again tomorrow...